A Seasonal Hymn for the Rest of Us

O Festivus! O Festivus! Brighten up the most depressed of us!

Let’s raise a pole to draw awareness

To this day with low-cost, shiny bareness.

No tinsel, stars, or ornaments

Can distract us from our tournaments.

O Festivus! O Festivus!

Friends and family show their restiveness.

Young cousins come from all around

Pinning pushy uncles to the ground.

They bring the meatloaf, they bring the lettuce,

And their special squabbles don’t upset us.

O Festivus! O Festivus!

Feats of strength will test the best of us.

Tonight is when our might is reckoned

And we open jars in just a second.

Watch ketchup flow without a wait.

Lo! No yellow snow; no subway’s late.

Let miracles go on and on

Like another Seinfeld marathon.

Make haste and rush through slush and showers—

All my grievances will take three hours.

A.M. Juster’s most recent books are The Billy Collins Experience (Aldrich Press, 2016) and Sleaze & Slander: Selected Humorous Verse 1995-2015. (Measure Press, 2016)

This post originally appeared on Weekly Standard


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